Entry 21 What if it was me

What if it was me? What if I was the one who one day decided to stop loving, stop having affection? What if it was me who one day would turn my back and leave? What if I would leave decades of my life with you behind and walk away? Only to reach out to someone else who is new, therefore excitable? Would that hurt you too, like it does me? Would your heart break too, like mine does? Would you also feel rejected, angry, hurt, but mostly helpless? Would your world, as you knew till now, fall apart, like mine does? There are no roads that one can go that can relieve the pain that throbs in the heart. People help, people sympathise, they hold, they love, as much as they can. But no one can feel how even the tiniest cells in the body cringe and cry.

For a love story like ours that unfolded in the most magical way possible, there are other endings, but not this. The universe conspired in the most beautiful way to bring two souls together, from different continents to meet at a certain time at a certain place. There were only unlikely scenarios, and yet, and yet, something happened. All the puzzle pieces fit together and we met in the remotest, most unusual place. What followed were years of writing letters, meeting when you came to visit. What happened was magic. Days before mobile technology or social media blocked our minds, we were free. Free to imagine, free to day dream, free to let our hearts dictate. Our lives blossomed into student lives, family lives, children, dog, houses. Just like it should be. Everything, including our conflicts, were just as it should be. When lives intertwine, then there are good times and bad times. That is how life happens. It is not to ignore the bad parts, but to see how to deal with them. And in that, we grow, individually and together. How we deal with something is more important than the result. The result will always follow. The key is to allow. Allow life to flow and allow universal wisdom to guide you.

Today, you tell me you have decided to move to other shores. Today, you tell me things that wreck my life. Today, you remove your ring and forget your vows. Today, you forget our dreams, our lives, our love for each other. My naïve mind always believed we were a team and no matter what, we were strong to master everything. We would always go through everything together, be it good or bad. It did not matter what. Moving from two to one is not a path I chose, it was your decision. From together to alone is a hard road to take. Courage fails me in spectacular ways. Today, I am acutely aware of my vulnerability, and of yours too. For in spite of the dark times, you have been and will always be a part of me. There is so much of love that is still here in my heart, I am afraid of it bursting forth and flying off to the sky, never to return. So I keep this close, holding it, cradling it and hoping against all hope that one day it will be allowed to blossom again.

What if it was me? What if it was I who left and never turned back? What if I walked when I should have held you? What if I chose to leave when you chose to stay? What if I knew the hurt I was causing but still chose to inflict it regardless? What if you felt what was happening in me? Perhaps, then, and only then, you will feel both our lives as one and know that we have and always will belong together.